If I ran my own country it would be called Mistopia.
With my 31st birthday coming up on Monday, I know the first order of business would be to make birthdays a paid day off to do whatever you want. It’s just not right to have to work on your birthday if you don’t want to.
Also, birthday cake and Oreos would not cause you to gain any weight. In fact, you would lose weight eating them.
And that’s not all I’d change. That’s just where I’d start. I’d also do the following. (Yes, I know some of these would require magical powers and some of these are controversial, but let me live in my dream world as a birthday present to me.)
1. If you have a request of Queen Misty, you must bring chocolate for your request to even be considered.
2. The Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan and several other people who do not deserve to be famous will be shipped off to a small, uncharted island surrounded by sharks.
3. Every fast-food restaurant would have employees as friendly and cordial as the Burger King on the bypass. (Seriously, I’ve never had anything but over-the-top friendly service there while ordering my veggie burger!)
4. People would be required to use a blinker. Cars would lock you in if the car turns 90 degrees without you flipping on that blinker switch. (How lazy do you have to be not to reach up and flick a little stick up or down?!)
5. MTV would play music videos and only music videos. In fact, every genre of music would have its own TV station with nothing but videos all day, every day.
6. All produce would be organic and non GMO (genetically modified organism). No animals would be pumped full of hormones to make them grow faster.
7. Seedless watermelons would cease to exist. I’d rather have seeds and lots of flavor as no seeds and no flavor.
8. Personal religious beliefs would have no influence over the laws of the land. (If they did, mine would require nothing be open and no one would work from Friday night sundown to Saturday night sundown, and no one would be allowed to eat pork or shrimp.)
9. There would be an optional two-hour nap time at 2 p.m. every day. The time can also be spent just relaxing quietly, not necessarily sleeping.
10. In addition to being the ruler of Mistopia, I’d also be the new queen of Southern cooking, and Paula Deen would be my dish washer.
11. People would never be able to hit a child. Ever.
12. Chewing gum and bubble gum would be outlawed. I’m tired of stepping in your gum you’re too lazy to throw away in a place people don’t step, and I’m tired of hearing you chew it and pop bubbles.
13. Skinny people would not be allowed to say the words “Ugh. I look so fat in this picture,” or “Gross. I look so fat in this outfit.”
14. All reality shows would be canceled. “Jeopardy,” “Chopped” and “Iron Chef” do not count as reality shows because they take brains and skill.
15. Every restaurant would be encouraged to have a vegetarian option as delicious as the tofu tacos are at Buckin’ Burrito in downtown.
16. Recycling services would be free, but you’d have to pay for every pound of garbage you throw away.
17. You can smack someone upside the back of their head if they spit in public — unless they’re playing a sport at the time. (I played catcher when I played softball and you’ve just got to get that dirt out somehow.)
18. Women would also get more time off, and paid time off, for maternity leave to bring us more in line with other First World countries. (Look up what other countries give. You might be surprised to find how many countries pay women 100 percent of their wages for 10 weeks or more and how many others pay at least 55 percent of the new mother’s wages while on leave.)
19. Models of all sizes would grace the runways and magazines.
20. There would be no smoking in Mistopia, but people would be given chocolate breaks instead.
Murray County native Misty Watson is a photographer and writer for The Daily Citizen. You can let her know if your country would be an ally or a foe at firstname.lastname@example.org, facebook.com/MistyWatsonDCN or on Twitter, @mistydwatson.
If I ran my own country it would be called Mistopia.
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