As a typical Southern male, I have never been a big fan of the winter Olympics.

Men’s figure skating--you know it as ice dancing--and two man luge just do not seem right to me. They smack of a personal matter between two consenting adults, not sport. My hope is that, if global warming is not the crock (ala Y2K) that I think it is, the upside might be that it ends the Winter Olympics.

I thought I was not a big fan of the Summer Olympics either; the one with gymnastics and archery. The Olympic Games combines two things that I do not like, Phys Ed class and foreigners. Yet by day 15 of my refusal to watch the Olympics, I have not missed a single night of it.

Just to summarize, I did like the women’s beach volleyball. I cannot put my finger on it, but I found that “sport” compelling. For the first time, I felt good about the money I spent on my high-definition TV. As for women’s water polo, somehow it does not have the same appeal. All that neck-high water seems to defeat the purpose and discourages a strong male viewership. I would suggest putting a shark in the pool; then you’d have something. Perhaps I should pitch such a show to NBC for the fall reality show line up.

I was hoping that NBC might, just might, do a few emotional personal stories about the athletes set to Chariots of Fire type piano music. And guess what? They did!

My kids discovered what we adults are reminded of every four years: Bob Costas really is a smart guy and just a bit taller than a Chinese “woman” gymnast. We also are reminded (by the mainstream media) that, even though the world hates America, all the athletes that are able, come here to train and live. This seems an interesting contradiction.

Also, we confirmed that the air in Beijing is thicker than the smoke in Snoop Dog’s limo on a Saturday night.

As expected, Michael Phelps was the American hero in these games. He represented us Americans well by eating 12,000 calories a day while the world watched. Polls indicate that other countries hate America most because of our gluttony. I think Ryan Seacrest was listed as a close second.

China won so many metals that they will probably melt them down and sell them back to Americans in items to be sold to us at Dollar Tree stores.

For all its attributes, China just does not want to play nice in the sand box with other countries. Understandably, that is a problem for China when none of its people have grown up with sibling rivalry. They want things their way, so much so that they proved to us that they do not card their women gymnasts. There is no minimum age in China to compete in Olympics, or work in a factory, which is where discarded gymnast end up once they are tall enough to reach the sewing machines.

China did give condoms out to all American athletes when they arrived. And I am sure they gave extras to our men’s basketball team, which is composed of NBA players. In fact, there are few things in more conflict than China’s communist China’s Draconian one child policy and personal conduct of our NBA playas. They probably did not let the players make eye contact with their women.

In the past, the Olympics were more of a test of which country had the best pharmacists and geneticists. If you like amazing performances followed by tearful apologies, then the Olympics were for you. This year they got the testing right. They even had tests for testosterone levels to make sure some of the women were not actually men. If this test is effective, Janet Reno and Rosie O’Donnell will be tested soon.

As a former man who became a woman, Renee Richards should be consulted about this. Her/his tennis carrier, which started at Yale, was cut short when she could not pass the Olympic chromosome test. I remember reading about it in her autobiography which I think she called: How to Play Tennis without Balls.

Overall, the Olympics benefit us by exhibiting how other countries go about their business. We saw how Communist China’s government intervenes to organize and controls all that their citizens do. It is good for us as it will give us a glimpse of what Barack Obama and Nanny Pelosi have in store for America.