Opinion

January 8, 2014

Letter: Obama 2014 State of the Union

Here are excerpts from Barack Obama’s upcoming State of the Union address. Do not ask how I obtained them.

“Well, here we are, five years into my reign, er ... presidency. My mission, as I told you from the beginning, was to fundamentally transform this country. Let’s see how I’m doing.

“To start with, I have completely taken over the health care system — a whopping one-sixth of the economy. It’s a mess, of course. Millions have lost their coverage. Tens of millions more will follow this year. Doctors are quitting left and right. This is all by my design. When the chaos has maxed out, everyone of you will be clamoring for the single-payer system I wanted in the first place.

“Eventually, the U.S. will have socialized medicine just like all the advanced European nations and Canada. It won’t work worth a crap. We all know that. But the important thing is I have totally screwed up the best health care system in the world. How’s that for a ‘fundamental transformation?’

“What about the economy? It was in a terrible state when I took over in 2009. I blamed it on George W. Bush, although the truth is that Bill Clinton and Barney Frank were the real heroes, using the Community Reinvestment Act to eventually collapse the housing industry and the entire U.S. economy along with it.

“In my five years, I have made things much worse. Millions of folks have left the workforce, never to return. Obamacare will force tens of thousands of small business owners to lay off their employees or downgrade them to part time.

“Meanwhile, bailouts, unemployment benefits, welfare, food stamps, taxes and all the rest just skyrocket. It’s a thing of great beauty: ruining the greatest economic system the world has ever known. That’s two for two.

“And, how about those fun-loving folks at the National Security Agency? They are currently monitoring and recording your phone calls, emails, bank and credit card transactions, and Internet activity.

“An enormous spy facility being built in Utah is near completion. Eventually, your entire life, from cradle to grave, will be recorded there. So much for your constitutionally guaranteed right to privacy. Nice, huh? Three for three.

“By the way, a word to the wise: Be very careful what you write or say about me for the next three years. I may wake up one morning and decide to stop being Mr. Nice Guy.”

David Wycherley

Rocky Face

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