Opinion

June 26, 2013

Charles Oliver: Councilman claims alien affairs

• Simon Parkes, a member of the Whitby town council in England, has fessed up to a years-long affair that has produced one child. Parkes, 53, says his wife hasn’t taken the news well. I’m not sure if that’s because he has admitted to adultery or because he claims the affair has been with a green Cat Queen from outer space. Parkes, who has three children with his human wife, says the Cat Queen beams him up to her ship four times a year for hanky panky. He further claims that he has been having sex with various aliens since he was 6. Extraterrestrial intercourse seems to run in his family. Parkes has previously claimed his mother, his “real” mother, is a 9-foot tall green alien with eight fingers.

• An official with the Tennessee Department of Environment and Conservation (TDEC) says complaints about water quality could be considered an “act of terrorism.” In a meeting with Maury County residents, Sherwin Smith, deputy director of the TDEC’s Division of Water Resources, warned that “you need to make sure that when you make water quality complaints you have a basis, because federally, if there’s no water quality issues, that can be considered under Homeland Security an act of terrorism.”

• Montgomery County, Ill., Republican Party Chairman Jim Allen has apologized for remarks about former Miss America Erika Harold that many have called sexist, racist and downright stupid. Harold recently announced she would challenge U.S. Rep. Rodney Davis in the 2014 GOP primary. Allen, who supports Davis, apparently didn’t take that well. He called Harold, who has been active in Republican politics for at least a decade, a “street walker” being pimped by the Democratic Party and the “love child” of the Democratic National Committee. He also said that after she loses the primary Harold, an attorney with a white father and black mother, would go to Chicago to work “for some law firm that needs to meet their quota for minority hires.”

Text Only
Opinion