June 26, 2013

Charles Oliver: Councilman claims alien affairs

Charles Oliver

— • Simon Parkes, a member of the Whitby town council in England, has fessed up to a years-long affair that has produced one child. Parkes, 53, says his wife hasn’t taken the news well. I’m not sure if that’s because he has admitted to adultery or because he claims the affair has been with a green Cat Queen from outer space. Parkes, who has three children with his human wife, says the Cat Queen beams him up to her ship four times a year for hanky panky. He further claims that he has been having sex with various aliens since he was 6. Extraterrestrial intercourse seems to run in his family. Parkes has previously claimed his mother, his “real” mother, is a 9-foot tall green alien with eight fingers.

• An official with the Tennessee Department of Environment and Conservation (TDEC) says complaints about water quality could be considered an “act of terrorism.” In a meeting with Maury County residents, Sherwin Smith, deputy director of the TDEC’s Division of Water Resources, warned that “you need to make sure that when you make water quality complaints you have a basis, because federally, if there’s no water quality issues, that can be considered under Homeland Security an act of terrorism.”

• Montgomery County, Ill., Republican Party Chairman Jim Allen has apologized for remarks about former Miss America Erika Harold that many have called sexist, racist and downright stupid. Harold recently announced she would challenge U.S. Rep. Rodney Davis in the 2014 GOP primary. Allen, who supports Davis, apparently didn’t take that well. He called Harold, who has been active in Republican politics for at least a decade, a “street walker” being pimped by the Democratic Party and the “love child” of the Democratic National Committee. He also said that after she loses the primary Harold, an attorney with a white father and black mother, would go to Chicago to work “for some law firm that needs to meet their quota for minority hires.”

• The federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) has filed complaints against Dollar General and BMW accusing the companies of violating civil rights laws by requiring job applicants to pass a criminal background check before being hired. The EEOC says this requirement discriminates against blacks because they are more likely to have a criminal record.

• A Las Vegas TV station reports that multiple employees of the Clark County family court are under investigation for allegedly covering up a sexual assault by a court marshal in the courthouse. Monica Contreras went to the courthouse as part of her divorce. As she was leaving, Marshal Ron Fox ordered her into a side room. When they came out, Contreras tried to tell the judge, hearing master Patricia Donninger, that Fox had touched her breasts and buttocks. Video shows that Donninger turned away from Contreras. Fox ordered a bailiff to arrest Contreras for making false allegations against a police officer. There’s no such crime in Nevada, but the bailiff arrested her anyway. Those charges were later dropped, and an internal investigation validated her claims against Fox, who was fired. The judge who ignored her pleas has not been sanctioned.

• Minnesota Department of Natural Resources manager John Austin Hunt has been charged with misconduct by a public employee, unauthorized computer access and unlawful use of public data, among other charges. Prosecutors say he illegally accessed the driver’s license data of thousands of women and kept photos of almost 200 of them on a computer at work.

Charles Oliver is a staff writer for The Daily Citizen.